I was born with a shot glass in my hand
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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