Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
