Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
