the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
