Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
