Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
