I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
