If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
