why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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