You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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