My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
