So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
