This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
