I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Panties = found
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
