We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
