My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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