So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
