so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
