I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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