watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
