What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
