Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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