I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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