i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize