no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
