I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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