I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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