Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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