if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
