you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
