I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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