So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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