Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
