There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
