it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
