Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
