I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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