I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Randomize
