which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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