I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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