I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
