It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
