omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
