i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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