so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
