i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
