All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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