You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
