i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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