Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dick very happy bro
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
