i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
two words...techno handjob
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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