Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
