a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
