Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You are a booty call, not a friend.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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