In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
