my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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