Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
