True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I could fuck to npr.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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