Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
