there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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