Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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