remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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