Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
