I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
