i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
