Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
