I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
