apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
