WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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