my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
