you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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