normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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